Not sure.

My brother died on Tuesday and I don't know how to feel about it. I mourned that relationship and his presence in my life so long ago, actually at two different moments about 4 years a part. I have been struggling with just how much to share with those in my life since this is a situation that is so close to me and yet so far away. There are so many people that help me through so much and I feel like I need them now as well. I miss my dad like crazy and there is not a day that passes without a million thoughts of him. I had also thought about Eric everyday but in a much different way. I thought about how to keep my family safe and protected. I thought about how to keep him from knowing about my wonderful husband and children just to keep them from the hurt that he had put me through. I really can not find the words to describe where my mind and emotions are right now. It is everywhere and no where all at once. I have decided to attend his funeral and am hoping for some sort of closure to some of what I have still been struggling with since my dad's death over 13 years ago. But how do you mourn a life that you had not really acknowledged in so long. One that gives you a strange sense of relief and yet not. I am hoping to walk away from the funeral tomorrow with a sense of closure. A true end to everything that has happened.

I Heart Faces-Sun Flare

The theme this week is sun flare. This is from our honeymoon in Arizona. My hubby was climbing a big rock and the sun hit him just right! I'm laying back down now since I'm feeling quite under the weather. Enjoy this and all of the other entries over at here.

I Heart Faces- Fav face of Feb.

This week at I Heart Faces, there is no real theme. It is reader's choice week. The only rules are to post a picture that has not been used before on the site and to have been taken within the month of Feb.

I love all of my boy's equally (obviously), but this is by far one of my fav. captures of Cael. He looks like a mad eskimo :-) Too cute.

the 4th little C...

Not a day goes by that I don't think about the little princess we lost at 18 weeks along in my pregnancy. Our 4th little C. We don't talk about her a lot to other people, but she is a constant in our home. We look through her things; pictures, foot and hand prints, her teddy bear, the little rings we were given by the hospital....every little reminder we have of her. I can't help but wonder what she would be like today. She would have just turned 2 in January (her due date was the 21st). I was looking around online today and found a blog about a family that just lost their little angel. She was 4 months old. Now, we have lost two pregnancies. I had to deliver our little Caitlin and leave the hospital empty handed. But I don't pretend to know what that family is going though. What I do know is how we were, and continue to be, affected by our loss. My heart goes out to all families that have lost a child. It has got to be one of the hardest things in life!

While on this site, they had listed two songs. They are so fitting for the loss of a child. It is everything Matt and I talk about when Caitlin enters our mind. Wondering who she would be, what she would be doing, talking about all of the things we are missing, wishing things were different. They are both country songs which really are not our favorite, but the lyrics are perfect. We love our three boys and would never trade them for anything. We do, however, miss our little girl more than anyone will ever know. Missing you today and everyday, Caitlin.

18 months and some extras :-)

It was time for Cael's 18 month session and I decided to move my studio into the new dining room for a few days. The window light is fantastic! Cael did very well and his brothers decided that they needed a turn in front of my camera. This NEVER happens without me bribing them. I of course said okay and got a few great new pictures of my growing boys!

Seriously...how adorable is he?

His mad eskimo shot...lol.

The one on the left is my new favorite!

A very rare occasion. All three looking at me with a nice smile!

He is getting so big :-( Still a cutie and full of energy!

The first is his cheese and the second is what happens right after.

He is getting so much better at letting me take pictures. These are the nicest faces I have caught for awhile now.

And I could not leave my Mr. Otis out. He was not too willing to just lay there. He kept inching towards me. He really wanted some attention :-)

A new challenge: Happy Monday

While looking through some entries for I Heart Faces, I found some more challenges that I thought I could try out. This one is Happy Monday. This weeks theme is children. Here is my new favorite of Cael taken on Sunday. This is my "baby" who is not so much a baby anymore.



This will be on my wall soon!

I Heart Faces- Anything But a Face

My last baby. Every day, week, and month that passes reminds me that he his growing up and my baby days are over. This to some people means no more middle of the night feedings, crying at all times of the day/night, and need to be held all the time...but not to me. The wonder that comes with the newness of everything to that baby is unbelievable and not something I will ever experience again. Watching him learn new things everyday and explore the new environment he was thrown into was (and will continue to be) the most amazing thing I will ever watch. My children, my boys, are what I live for. They are my everything. I will admit though, I have had a combination of sad and happy tears with every last new milestone our "baby" has met. When he ate food, slept through the night, rolled over, sat up. crawled, stood up, walked, talked I was so proud and yet found myself sad. I knew it was the last time we would get to watch that "first." I have taken so ,any more pictures of my guys lately. I need to document the littles that they are to help me remember and cherish each age.

Here is one of the things I will truly miss (thankfully something that is not gone yet)....baby feet.



I missed a week, but for good reason. It was cell phone picture week and my phone is silly. Even though I can take pictures, I can not get them off of the camera!