Not sure.

My brother died on Tuesday and I don't know how to feel about it. I mourned that relationship and his presence in my life so long ago, actually at two different moments about 4 years a part. I have been struggling with just how much to share with those in my life since this is a situation that is so close to me and yet so far away. There are so many people that help me through so much and I feel like I need them now as well. I miss my dad like crazy and there is not a day that passes without a million thoughts of him. I had also thought about Eric everyday but in a much different way. I thought about how to keep my family safe and protected. I thought about how to keep him from knowing about my wonderful husband and children just to keep them from the hurt that he had put me through. I really can not find the words to describe where my mind and emotions are right now. It is everywhere and no where all at once. I have decided to attend his funeral and am hoping for some sort of closure to some of what I have still been struggling with since my dad's death over 13 years ago. But how do you mourn a life that you had not really acknowledged in so long. One that gives you a strange sense of relief and yet not. I am hoping to walk away from the funeral tomorrow with a sense of closure. A true end to everything that has happened.